It’s the night before Christmas and all through my house,
Everyone’s sleeping, including my spouse.
The stockings are hung but I gotta wrap shit,
So just like this tree, I’m about to get lit.
The kids passed out only an hour ago
Time for me to play Santa: Ho-mother-fuckin-ho.
Grab the scissors, the tape, the bags and the bows,
A Coke and a glass, some ice and Old Crow.
The Christmas lights twinkle, and outside it’s snowing,
How long will this take? I’ve no way of knowing.
How do other people wrap snow globes and bikes?
Dollhouses, baseballs, desk lamps and trikes?
Wait, where’re the bows? I’ll just accessorize that crap.
I’ll soon be ready for a long winter’s nap.
Voila. It’s done. One present down.
I’m friggin’ awesome. Do we have any Crown?
Dang, that looks great. I’ma put some glitter on that now.
Maybe some googly eyes, too. Add some sequins and POW!
My son’s going to love his new bicycle with all of this bling.
It’s personalized with love – something Santa can’t bring.
Aw, hell. We’re out of whiskey. On to the scotch!
Watch me fill up these stockings – my skills are top notch!
Let’s see, the baby gets, uh, a corkscrew, that’s good.
And the wife can have…this spare piece of wood.
Now what do I have in my pocket? Let’s see –
A quarter, two dimes, and one green penny.
That’s 25 cents for one kid and 21 cents for the other
Well, I always did like my daughter a little bit more than her brother.
There now, I’m done! Peace out, Christmas Eve.
Won’t my fam be impressed with all I’ve achieved?
The presents are…there, and the stockings are…too
Eatin’ the cookie’s the last thing to do.
Dang, that chocolate chip ain’t tasting so good
It don’t want to be friends with the liquor, like I had hoped that it would
Oh, god, I need to find a safe space and quick
I tell you, it ain’t easy being jolly old St. Nick
The trashcan’s too far; I need something now!
There’s only one thing to do; Move aside, tree bough!
Ah, thank you, tree stand, even if you are filled with water,
The presents will hide everything – oh, hello there, daughter!
And son and dear wife, Is it morning already?
Can’t you people stop wobblin’ and just hold steady?
And why’s it so bright? And so loud? And so wet?
Hey, don’t get mad! You ain’t seen what I got for you yet!
Every growing girl needs a…a jock strap? That ain’t right.
I must’ve gotten the gifts confused in the night.
Hey, come on! It’s Jesus’s birthday. Peace, joy, and forgive?
A little puke ain’t a reason to be so combative.
Come on, family, let me buy y’all some waffles.
A trip to IHOP and we’ll forget all our squaffles.
Squiffles, squabbles, you know what I mean.
Give your old dad a hug. And Happy Halloween!