And candy canes
Black Friday shoppers gone insane
Ho Ho Ho!
Gatlinburg’s phony snow
“Just in case”
Like nose-hair trimmers in a travel case
Or plaid potholders
From the dollar store
(I would’ve tried harder, if I liked you more)
From distant relations
No one RSVP’d to
100-dollar Christmas trees
Harry & David salami and cheese
16 versions of Jingle Bells
Retail workers’ personal hells
Seasonal affective disorder
Delays with my on-line order
Why’d you give my kid a recorder?
Fresh-baked sticky buns
Secret Santas at the office
All my kids have streptococcus
Walmart’s turned wild and lawless
For breakfast I had Tums.
18-hour family road trips
Red wine, grudges, and loose lips,
Recipe for apocalypse
Yeah, I gave your kid drums.
Children snuggled in their beds,
Stocking up on headache meds.
Family photos, Christmas cards,
Maxing out the Mastercard.
Peppermint and gingerbread,
Sleeping on a blow-up bed.
“A Christmas Story” on TBS,
My whole house is a mess.
Santa’s got a lot of stops,
Cocoa with a shot of Shnapps.
Eggnog, turkey, pumpkin pies,
Heading straight to my thighs.
Trying to make the Yuletide gay,
Growing colder every day.
Want to be naughty, but have to play nice,
Everything is Pumpkin Spice,
Snowflakes falling in the air,
Red Cross Santas everywhere,
Elf-on-a-Shelf is the new fad,
Gonna rat on you when you’re bad.
Sadistic parents laughing ‘cause
Their kid’s terrified of Santa Claus.
Forgot the words to “Silent Night,”
Kids snuck down and opened gifts,
‘Cause they’re impatient little shits.
Awkward office Christmas parties,
“Whose Xeroxed naked buttocks are these?”
My kid only wants one thing this year
And that’s one of Santa’s flying reindeer.
I told her “Sure,” just to avoid a fight,
I’ll let my husband set that right.
Fancy hand towels – folded twice,
Washcloth on top, so it looks nice.
Little snowmen made of soap,
But can you use them? Mm-mm, nope!
Potpourri and candles, too,
To cover up your smelly poos.
A Frosty trashcan, a Santa rug,
A toothbrush in a festive mug!
Candy-cane scented toilet paper,
Kind of weird now, but you’ll thank me later.
Half my family is divorced,
And my husband’s family, too
So we celebrate two times four
(Or is it four times two?)
I spend the day driving around
From county to county and town to town
Tryin’ to turn my frown upside down
And delay my mental breakdown.
My gingerbread house
Turned into a Graham Cracker Shack
When the chimney fell off
And the roof got cracked.
King’s Icing just wouldn’t do,
So I had to use Gorilla Glue.
Warned the kids, I said, “Don’t eat it!”
They heard my advice, but did they heed it?
Everything worked out ok in the end,
The kids are all alright,
And with their lips glued tight together,
It’s been one Holy Silent Night.
As this list draws to a close
I’ll quickly mention all of those
Other things I haven’t yet
It’s Christmastime! Let’s not forget:
And apple cider,
My waitress and her
Building snowmen in the sun
A new flu season has begun.
Making family memories
Forgot to pack spare batteries.
TV Specials, Hallmark movies,
Passing out in my jacuzzi,
Brownies, cookies, fudge galore,
Checkout lines out the door,
Working extra double shifts.
Forgot to label all my gifts.
Ruby Falls Enchanted Gardens,
Slipped while taking out the garbage.
Snow Days and Christmas pageants!
Best Buy has a lot of “gadgets.”
Getting gift cards for my teen,
So he can buy some more ripped jeans.
Scottie dogs and mistletoe,
Wishing I could be in Rio…
On the 26th I’ll be sad it’s over,
Can’t wait till the season starts again – next October.