Recipe for Potentially Vegan Kolaches

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Kolaches are sweet rolls filled with savory stuff AND I DON’T CARE WHAT ANY CZECH SAYS. If you fill them with sweet stuff, they’re “sweet kolaches.” If you fill them with sausage, they’re just “kolaches.”

I say “potentially vegan” because what they’re filled with depends on your preferences. I AM NOT A VEGAN. DO NOT BE SCARED. I made them with vegan shit b/c that’s what I had on hand. I promise they don’t taste like hemp and manure. I’ve fed them to many carnivores and they all love them.

From start to finish, these take about 2 ½  hours (because of rise and bake times). Makes 12 kolaches (kuh-LA-cheez). If you don’t want to fill these with anything, they could be sweet rolls, or probably make some fucking delicious buns.

Ingredients

1 C almond or soy milk

1 T yeast

¼ C sugar

3 C all-purpose flour, divided, plus about 1 cup more for kneading (the dough is sticky AF)

12 T Vegan butter substitute, divided (I use Earth Balance)

2 T powdered egg substitute (I use Bob’s Mill)

1 t kosher salt

Optional: Filling (see bottom)

  1. Warm up the milk. (I microwaved it for 60 seconds, but then I was worried it would be too hot, so I let it sit for a little bit, so maybe microwave for 45 seconds? You want it warm so the yeast will be happy, but if it’s too hot, the yeast will be sad and then you will be sad.)
  2. In a large bowl, combine the yeast, warm milk, sugar, and 1 C of the flour with a whisk or fork. Cover and let rise until doubled, about 20 minutes.
  3. Melt 8 T of the butter. Mix the powdered egg with 4 T water and let sit for a minute. 
  4. Mix the butter, eggs, and salt, then add to the bowl with the flour mixture. 
  5. Start adding the remaining 2 C of flour a little at a time. Use a wooden spoon to stir – NOT a whisk! You’ll never get all that shit out of there. It’s going to be so sticky. Make sure you’ve got that extra cup of flour ready, because you’re about to need it.
  6. Turn out the dough onto a HEAVILY floured surface.
  7. Knead for 5-10 minutes. During this time, the dough changes from a sticky monster trying to devour your hands, to soft, supple flesh. Use as much flour as feels right. You’ll know what I mean. Eventually it’ll develop this beautiful texture that you can see yourself making love to, if, you know, you’re into that kind of thing. Spank it, punch it, squeeze it, twist it, whatever you want. The dough is yours.
  8. Put it into a greased bowl, cover, and let rise for an hour. 
  9. After it has doubled, give it a couple soft love punches, then dump it out and squeeze it into a fat tube, about 12 inches long. I have a dough divider, but you could use a knife. Cut it into 12 adorable little dumplins. You’ll wish you were a Barbie so you could lay your head upon one and take a nap.
  10. Gently roll any odd-shaped pieces into balls or mush a little bit into squares. Whatever. It doesn’t matter. They’re so fucking cute. Place them on a greased baking sheet, cover, and let rise again for another 30 minutes. Or be like me and get distracted and accidentally let them rise for 45 minutes. Whatevs.
  11. Meanwhile, get your fillings ready (see below.)
  12. Preheat oven to 375. Make a little indentation in the center of each dough ball. It’s going to be so fluffy and stretchy and springy and you’re going to be so excited because by now you can really tell that this dough is the fucking shit. It’s going to make you sad to have to destroy the fluffiness, but it’s worth it.
  13. Place 1 or 2 T of your filling in each indentation. Fold up the dough around the filling and pinch shut. Place the pinched side down on the baking sheet. Bake for 12-20 minutes (depends on what you’ve put in there.)
  14. Melt the remaining 4 T of butter. When the dough is light brown, they’re done. Take them out and brush with the rest of the butter. Eat them. Eat them NOW. They’re so good. Oh my god, make sure everyone knows their kolache allotment and DON’T LET ANYONE TAKE YOURS! 

Filling

You can go sweet or savory with kolaches. 

If you go sweet, you can:

Fill them with jam and then sprinkle powdered sugar on top

Whip together cream cheese, sugar, an egg yolk, and some lemon zest for a cream cheese filling

Just do more sugar, butter, a little flour, and some cinnamon for a streusel-type topping

But I always go savory, with combos like:

Breakfast sausage and egg

Kielbasa sausage, cheddar cheese, and a little pickled jalapeno

Fried potatoes, scrambled eggs, and cheese

Chorizo and fried potato

Lil Smokies

Ham and cheese

Sausage, onions, and bell peppers

Broccoli, mushrooms, and Swiss

Feta and spinach