A couple years ago, a man I met through a writers’ group asked me if I’d care to write a couple songs for him. He was a musician and had two lyric-less songs that were in standby mode. Having heard some of my poetry, he asked if I’d like to take a stab at finishing them. I enjoyed the challenge and was pretty proud of what I turned in. I had hoped to one day hear him perform the songs live, but as far as I know, he never did a damn thing with my lyrics. I haven’t seen him in a long time, and I never signed a contract or got paid or anything, so I think I’ll steal back my songs and use them as fodder for this blog.

Here’s song number one, which I never titled, but would probably be called “People Are Dumb.”

Carly Matton was born the last of thirteen kids all squished inside 
a rusted out, two-bedroom double-wide. 
She knew she’d have to work hard to escape 
Her town, her family, and her fate

And work hard she did – she could not be deterred! 
Once she’d graduated, it was law school for her. 
She’d be a Supreme Court Justice one day, 
But first she’d need to become a senator of the state.

She was beating her opponent by 24 points
When one evening she stopped into a pizza joint
And ordered a slice of her favorite –
New York style with anchovies and pineapple

Well it turned out voters’ hatred is absolute
For the mixture of cheese and fish and fruit. 
Her campaign dropped into a deadly tailspin
I hate to tell you she didn’t win,
Her hopes and dreams destroyed by a slice of pizza. 

Cause people are dumb
(Keep your expectations low, my friends)
I said people are dumb
(It’s amazing we’ve made it this far, really)
Yeah people are dumb
(If you disagree, I’ve got bad news for you)
Oh, people are dumb
(I’m embarrassed to admit that I’m one of you)

Jermaine Johnson was prematurely born 
With a hole in his heart the size of a peppercorn 
A childhood disease left him deaf and blind
No, my friends, life was not kind

But Jermaine was strong and one day he climbed
To the top of Mount Everest in record time
When he came back down, he was a hero
A disabled man, surviving the danger and snow

The very next day, with his heart full of pride
He sat for his first interview with his husband by his side
The reporter strolled in with her cameraman
They got the live stream going and

She said, “So Jermaine, what can you say
About being a mountain-climber who’s openly gay?”
And with that single question, it was all gone – 
The pride Jermaine had felt for being so strong

Cause people are dumb
(I’ve truly lost all my faith in humanity)
I said people are dumb
(We’re way too far gone at this point)
Yeah people are dumb
(The best thing we can do to save the earth is die)
Oh, people are dumb
(Stop buying so much plastic, you guys!)

Now I know there’s a lot of people out there listening to this song, thinking, well not me, I’m not dumb. I wouldn’t let a slice of pizza determine my political vote, or let an inconsequential detail overshadow the important aspects of an incredible feat, but you’re wrong. Every single one of us has the capacity to be dumb, whether it’s a little dumb most of the time, or a lot of dumb on special occasions, but you don’t have to live that way. You can slow down, think a little longer before opening your mouth or making dumbass decisions, and fact-check your news sources against other sources. Don’t believe everything you read, but also don’t deny what you have witnessed with your very own eyes! 

And if you know, deep down in your heart, that you are very, very dumb, then at least try hard to be kind. Put others’ needs before yours, give people the benefit of the doubt, take that extra step to make the world a better place for all.

But if you have come to the conclusion that you’re not cut out to be a person who is not dumb, but you’re also a person who is not kind, then you better be really, really, I mean, truly incredibly, fucking fantastically good-looking. 

People are dumb
(I’m talking about a solid 99% of the population here)
I said people are dumb
(We’re still settling our disputes with war, really??)
Yeah people are dumb
(We’ve literally got plastic in our brains now, you guys)
People are dumb
(Stop giving Jeff Bezos your money!)
Cause people are dumb
(The McDonald’s coffee lady had a legit case!)
I said people are dumb
(Some people listening to this song think Alaska is an island)
Yeah people are dumb
(NEVER go into the comments section)
People are dumb
(Read a goddamned book, people)

This song was inspired by true events, as follows:

Years ago, Cynthia Nixon (the actress who played Miranda on Sex and the City) was running for some political office (governor of NY, maybe? I don’t remember and I don’t feel like looking it up) and her campaign was going alright. Not great, but it wasn’t a straight-up joke. Anyway, I remember hearing on Wait! Wait! Don’t Tell Me, the NPR news quiz, that she was doomed and her rankings were taking a huge hit because she had been seen ordering lox and cream cheese on a cinnamon raisin bagel. People just felt they couldn’t trust someone with such poor taste, I guess.

Also on the same podcast, Peter Segal interviewed a blind man who had indeed climbed Mt. Everest. This happened just a few years ago. After accomplishing this amazing feat, the man went on some morning talk show and was (incorrectly) introduced by the host as being gay. No idea why she said he was, or why it would have even mattered if he was, anyway.

I guess you could say I was feeling a little disappointed in humanity when I wrote this song, but in true Millennial fashion “It’s fine. Hahahahahahaha. Everything is fine.”

I’ll post the second song tomorrow. Or next week. Or whenever I remember I have this blog and need to add to it occasionally (thanks for the reminder yesterday, AnnaJo!)